What my friend's death taught me..

This year in March I lost a dear friend.
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 She was my Yoga teacher and a friend for many years. She was young, not even made it to her forties.
She was battling with an illness which was maintainable and did not pose any immediate threat to her life. In fact she would have been on lifelong medication from conventional medicine point of view. Her quality of life compromised, however it was not considered fatal.
Destiny, Luck or Choices depends on how one looks at it landed her in a complicated situation. I was fortunate to have spent a lot of time with her and engaged with her situation for three weeks. She was recovery slowly but surely and on one Sunday morning of March she never woke up.
I write this to share with you what came up for me. I believe we all have essentially the same feelings , emotions when we lose a friend . This may help you if God forbid you ever experience something like this or if you have had such an experience before  it will help you to understand that you feelings that so personal are also universal.
Here are certain Natural thoughts and feelings

1. Making sense of it and trying to be okay- This is a coping mechanism that helps with rationalizing the event. It helps one deal from time to time and briefly with it.
2. Anger- Trying to find someone or something to blame it on. Anger is a high energy emotion and sometimes used by our mind so we do not fall to the opposite end of depression and helplessness.
3. Fear-  It brings up the whole relationship we have with Life and more importantly death. The inevitability of Life stares us in the face. If you look a little deeper, we are afraid to lose our Life .. Yes. But, we are more afraid to lose our loved ones. We want nothing to change knowing fully well that at any time things can.
4. Personalizing- This is what joins the people left behind. One personalizes it especially if you are of the same age or even gender. Like my friend had a little child so all mothers felt the connection to it. The points of connection become points of connection to pain.
5. Still feeling connected to the departed soul- This is common for people who were close. If the friend was around you a lot , one feels their presence even after. It can make a person uncomfortable when alone. My personal take is that there is a possibility that the person wants to be connected you as you feel the pain of disconnection. Do people reach out after they are gone? No one goes, so yes that is a possibility.

Here is what we tend to do

1. Distract ourselves with emotions and feelings that help us not access what we truly feel.
2. Escaping into work, shopping, binging, spiritual pursuits. Most times these keep us distracted.
3. Trying to “Be positive”. Contrary to popular belief it is the single most self destructive behavior. It is an invention that has nothing to do with honoring what you are feeling. A facade that crumbles eventually or leaves you deeply disappointed with yourself. Simply because the gap between what you feel and what you project is wide.  

So, how do we deal with it?
I will share what I am doing. It is what I think works for me. Perhaps it will be helpful to you.

1. Allowing myself to feel what comes up. The sadness, upset, hurt, loss. “None are wrong” feeling. If we give our self-permission to feel, we most often do not dwell on those feelings for long.
2. Allow not so good days. I understand that days will turn to hours, to moments of not feeling good with regards to this.
3. Have one person you can talk to.    Someone who did not know the departed soul preferably. A listener and someone who does not give you advice and who you do not feel judged around. I am fortunate to have someone like that. Get help professionally if you don’t.
4. I allow myself to feel her presence, not as a paranormal activity. Just to feel the Love and Caring she was when alive and continues to be even now. It gives one perspective eventually that distance and separation is only felt physically. Love and Oneness with all of Life anywhere is very healing .

 
Be kind to yourself, Gentle and Patient. I also remind myself a line from a book called Buddha’s sword I read long back. This too shall pass.